Tom was diagnosed with a terminal illness early last year and is close to the end now. He's very angry, which I understand, but he takes it out on me since I am his caregiver. I'm also a full-time student about to graduate with my degree in registered nursing, so I'm busy all the time.
Between school, my daughter and giving full care to my husband, I'm stressed out. He yells a lot about everything, from money woes to the wrong bread on his sandwich. To top it off, we haven't been intimate since our daughter was born.
I'm not considering straying from our marriage, but at times I feel I'll be ready to date as soon as he's gone. It makes me feel guilty. Is it wrong to feel this way? Do you have any advice to help me through this tragic time in our lives? -- DEPRESSED AND LONELY IN MICHIGAN
DEAR DEPRESSED: Yes. Stop beating yourself up for experiencing human emotions at a time when you're hauling a load that would crush an ox. Of course your husband is angry. He has good reason to be -- but he's misdirecting it on you.
Guilt is the last thing you need to add to what you're dealing with. It's normal to crave the closeness you haven't experienced in two years.
If there are counseling services offered at your nursing school, please avail yourself of them. Venting your feelings in a supportive environment will lighten your load and help you cope with your husband. There are also online support groups for caregivers. If you reach out in either direction, you'll feel better. It could also be helpful to ask your husband's doctor for a referral to someone who does end-of-life counseling for him.
DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful man, and I like my in-laws very much. They're nice, welcoming people and we get along well. There's just one problem: They are the biggest enablers I have ever met!
With my husband it isn't a big deal because he's very self-sufficient.
On the other hand, his 30-year-old brother has lived with them for three years. He is jobless and has a drinking problem. His parents don't encourage him to look for work. They give him an allowance, pay all his court costs and drive him around because he got a DUI. They even pay his cellphone bill.
What is my place in all of this? Should I say anything My fear is that when my husband's parents die, his brother will become our problem.
-- LOOKING AHEAD IN COLORADO
DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: Don't say anything to your husband's parents. The pattern they are following is one that was set long ago, and nothing you can say will change it. It may, however, cause serious hard feelings.
The person you should talk to is your husband, so that well in advance of his parents' demise, you will be in agreement about his brother finally taking responsibility for himself or suffering the consequences of his actions.
DEAR ABBY: I love my co-workers, but several of them have an aggravating habit of walking into my office, uninvited, while I'm eating lunch at my desk. They then proceed to tell me their latest news, joke or war story.
Abby, those of us who eat at our desks do it so we can keep working and be ready to respond to work-related contacts as they come in, not to socialize. Besides, isn't it just as rude to interrupt someone while they're eating as it is while they're talking? I wish my beloved co-workers would save it for the water cooler.
-- "SANDWICHED" IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SANDWICHED: I don't think it's rude. But because you do, it's up to you to tell your well-meaning co-workers that when you're working at your desk, you'd prefer not to be interrupted because it breaks your concentration. If you speak up nicely, I'm sure they won't love you any less, and then you will love them even more.
